There is a moment in every father’s life where you as a father will have to explain to your loin fruit (that is your children) how they became children. Specifically, what you did with your loins to produce said loin fruit, you know…what sex is, where babies come from, and how good it is in marriage.

Oh man, you are sweating just reading the first few words. I see “The Talk” as kind of like changing a diaper. It needs to be done, you have to do it, and the only way to get through is to just do it. Kind of like being on a roller coaster – once you are on you are on till it’s over. A roller coaster completely comprised of every awkward moment between you and your brood.

So, what do we mean by The Talk? You could just say the word “erection” while viewing a picture of a red wood. Your son will either ponder what this could mean or realize that they already know. You will be able to tell if they already know because they will start glancing back and forth looking for the exits or spontaneously combust.

Defining the talk is as easy as S.A.X. – Socially Acceptable Xchange. The X in Xchange means Xtreme. We are men and we lean into doing the right things even when they are hard, awkward, or downright dangerous. And “SAX” because saxophones are sexy and we are talking about the special dance.

My rule of thumb is whatever the child in question wants to know you tell them in a way that matches their maturity level. You might tell a five year old that babies come from God and that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby. You would not teach that five year old about the mechanics of coitius.

With this rule, lets get to talking about the progression of knowledge.

6 years old

I started teaching my son at six years old what babies are and where they come from. This often involves explaining that babies come from mommies and daddies loving each other so much that God makes a baby for them to love too.

You might ask yourself what about babies born out of wedlock or from broken homes or infidelity. Slow down, dad! Remember, you are talking to a six year old at this point and all you need to do is help them with their future. You want to base this information on God and Love.

7 years old

This is where things get interesting. So babies are made by God, but how? Well this is where you can tell them about how God loves us and we are his children and we practice being his children by raising our own. You can also put in that babies are made of half of the mama and half of the daddy. Then you can reiterate how much you love them. Also at this point you might be developing a taste for liqueur. That is normal but remember moderation in everything.

8-9 years old

It has been a cake walk up to this point but now is the time to get down to the mechanics of it all. You know, the real meat of the birds and the bees talk. Also, stop and ask yourself why birds and the bees? If you know, please email me. I refuse to google this. By this point your children, if in the public school system, have heard the word sex and also DNA but probably not in the same sentence.

Reiterate that babies are made up of half of mama and half of daddy and then explain to them that the half is DNA. Make sure that you mention that boys and girls are different. That daddy gives half of his DNA and mama gives half of hers and those come together in the mother’s womb and there the baby begins to grow and form. Babies are alive from the moment this happens and God has a plan for them. Talk about what the placenta is. Give them as much medical knowledge as possible.

Teach them how the baby is fed through the mother’s blood and how the baby is in protective liquid called amniotic fluid. Then, do the scariest thing of all. Let them ask questions – and answer them. Use age appropriate explanations but most importantly, don’t lie. They will end the conversation when their curiosity is satisfied. You might also mention that sex is the way the DNA gets together. If they ask about how sex works just tell them that is a special thing mommies and daddies do together.

Might I suggest rum for this exchange.

10-14 Years Old

The Great Change

There is a word that we all fear. We fear it for what it means and how it changes our kids. Now, lets say it – puberty. No one gets out of this conversation with a shred of pride or dignity. However, that is okay; humility is a virtue and it’s okay to cry. Puberty is the moment when your sons begin the transition from boyhood to manhood. Fair warning, this transition begins with a lot more tears than you might expect.

In this section of the talk you get to say things like penis, vagina, wet dreams, erection, sperm, eggs, and you might even get to talk about masturbation. It is so important that you let them ask the questions and get the answers.

Make sure that you handle this with maturity, love, openness, and humor. Also remind yourself and your child that God invented sex, male, female, and puberty. It is his plan. Another great thing to do in this process is when your son says he likes a girl, let him know that is a win. Then instruct him what to do with those feelings and let him know that it’s okay and that you are there to lead them through this.

Also consider a nice scotch. Something 12 years and above for later.

14-16 Into the Breech … I will leave it to your imagination.

Time to actually say the words penetration. Yes you will need to explain how the genitalia of a male and female fit together. Your boys will be startled and you will feel like you have tread upon their innocence. If you have not already, now is the time to discuss the social and spiritual implications of partaking in sex. Under what criteria it is acceptable and for what purpose it is wrought. Now you and the boy go play Call of Duty or start a fire or something because you both have been through a lot.

 

Here are a few points to hit:

  • Sex is a gift from God
  • Sex is good
  • Sex is designed to bring about babies
  • Sex is designed to bring about physical and spiritual intimacy between husband and wife
  • God sees sex as the combining of two people permanently
  • Sex will ruin your life outside of marriage
  • Did I mention sex outside of marriage will ruin your life
  • Do you want to tell another man that you had sex with his daughter
  • Yes I will make you tell him
  • Yes I will help him bury your body
  • Trust me no one wants that
  • Okay daddy needs a drink

A list of other topics in this area that you should cover:

  • Pornography and why it is bad always
  • Erotic material and how it’s not good either
  • The social implications of sex
  • Treating women like the important beings they are
  • Your mistakes and how to avoid them
  • Sex is not everything
  • The cultures view of sex and how it is wrong
  • Your friends don’t know jack squat about sex so don’t take their word for it
  • I am glad we had this talk, now daddy needs a drink
Aaron Blakeley on EmailAaron Blakeley on FacebookAaron Blakeley on InstagramAaron Blakeley on TwitterAaron Blakeley on Youtube
Aaron Blakeley
Dad
Aaron Blakeley is a poet, and writer. Has been dadding hard since 2007. Joined the ranks of foster parents in 2014 and has not looked back. Writes poetry and other thoughts about parenting and the ineffable at http://aaronblakeley.com. The Daily Haiku webcomic can be found at http://aaronblakeley.com/the-daily-haiku-web-comic/